Is family life a "second-rate" path?

I hope you do not mind if I share a few straight and tough words with you...

Everything is possible in life -- yet everything in life takes time. It DOES take time! When a person wants to dabble in spirituality, when a person wants to lead a happier life, a more productive life or a more loving life, a casual approach is natural and adequate. If, however, a person wants to attain full enlightenment in one lifetime, such as that which Milarepa attained, a seeker must understand the prerequisites involved: he or she will have to work as Milarepa did: some 30 years of nearly 24 hour-a-day meditation in the caves with not much comfort. Of course, we must not forget that Milarepa was a well-qualified yogi (a practitioner of Bön black magic) even when he was taking revenge (via cold-blooded murder) for all the wrongs that was inflicted on his family by his relatives. And being initiated by his competent guru Marpa (a family man) was quite important too, for without such initiation, Milarepa would have remained the guilt-ridden murderer he was. (Read Milarepa's and Marpa's biographies for more details.)

Family life is a "second-rate" path because its natural focus is not on the spirit but on matter: spouse, children, bills and taking out the garbage. This is not a judgmental put-down but an obvious reality to any but the most rich and well-balanced family person. Yet, since most disciples will by default be family persons, tantric scriptures require that a tantric master be a married householder because he or she has to provide an example to all.

Few people have the ability to recognize the nature of this world (sam'sa'ra). Even fewer have the courage and resources (inner or outer) required for dropping out of society literally, which the following two alternatives to family life entail. Becoming a monk/nun definitely allows for a more focused lifestyle for spiritual exploration: more time, better company, fewer distractions. However, living in a monastery presents different (but similarly psychologically destructive) dysfunctional patterns that family life entails: power struggles between monastics, attachment to the (however meager) comforts and security of the monastery, etc. Monastic experience is good as a training experience for young people, inexperienced sadhakas, and people of comparatively weak mind. Monasticism seems to be a more viable option in societies where it is socially approved, such as in Tibet, Thailand, or India. But many modern-day teachers question the effectiveness of a monastic path in the West and for "Western" personality types -- which are no longer limited to the West and are now born everywhere in the world. A better approach is that of an Avadhuta or Naljorpa, whereby an aspirant completely disengages from society and executes societal mandates only when it is convenient to his or her spiritual undertaking. In modern times, such people tend to disappear in the society where they play by the rules (all the while laughing inside) and keeping an eye for potential spiritual buddies... You may have one next door and not know it!

The frustration with "second-ratedness of householder life" is common in the West. It is mostly caused by two cultural phenomena: 1. We Westerners were not raised in a society where spiritual life is known, taught, and understood. Therefore, we have no idea of the time and effort required for success in this endeavor. Those monks and nuns who were praying/meditating isolated in the monasteries/nunneries for centuries were not foolish. RATHER, they were very conscious of the previous experience of others before them. These special people carefully studied the requirements for the PARTICULAR success that they were seeking and then corrected their lifestyles in that direction--in order to ensure the results they wanted. Both the purpose and beauty of religious life have almost been lost to the Western mind, which has been poisoned by materialism. 2. We want it all without ascertaining what we are capable of. And we get what we deserve! While there are many quality teachers around, most people go to "spiritual" BUSINESS people. Why? The answer is simple: real spiritual work is hard and slow. Such spiritual charlatans (let's name them correctly), use fancy names and marketing machinery to sell their "spiritual" wares. They offer an easy life and fast results. But there is no such thing. Inner work is not any different today than in the past because human nature has not changed significantly in the last 50,000 years. In fact, in our "fast" society, inner work is harder because we have lost the inner equilibrium required for sa'dhana'.

Don't get me wrong--I am not trying to discourage householders. In fact, each of them has an opportunity to become another great example to the society and to posterity--in the image of the great householder yogis: Lahiri Mahasaya, Marpa, Shri Ramakrishna, and my master, to name a few. Most householders who contact me are sincere and eager to learn: they just need some direction and a lot of perseverance -- especially perseverance. Life is not perfect: a normal householder will not be able or want to give up his or her family. So, my advice would be to do what one can and let God take care of the rest--He is more effective than we think. Remember that faith (as opposed to belief) in the Divine Perfection is the foundation for life and for the spiritual path.

Finally, everything I have said so far is not entirely correct because there is a way to convert all activities into a form of spiritual practice. A sadhaka should offer him- or herself in selfless service to his or her children, spouse and colleagues--seeing them all the while as a manifestation of God. Then he or she is, in fact, performing a complex spiritual maneuver to both clear the mind of karma and to get closer to God. Such spiritual process allows the sadhaka to do whatever is necessary for his or her family (including enjoying it in the process) and perform sa'dhana' at the same time. This is the best approach for both laypersons and "professional/ordained" persons, because we all have to do mundane work, whether it’s eating or sleeping or performing high-tech information management at work. The preliminary preparation for this mode of being is called Madhuvidya--Sweet Wisdom or the practice of seeing God in everything--and it matures into Abhidhyan Yoga--a state of being immersed in the Divine no matter what. As Shantida'sa said, “Life is perfect exactly the way it is; no one ever said perfection must be consistent.“

— Anatole

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